"Bila kecil tak mau mampus, sekarang besar menyusahkan orang sahaja."
Project 到期了。我不要講多多。做好就好。不要麻煩同事，什麼事都好。
Monday, August 17, 2015
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Saturday, August 1, 2015
生活近况与心情周记
简单地给过去一星期的生活与情绪做个记录。将来作参考或翻阅解闷时或许会有意外的收获。
接到父亲短信通知阿公过世是西历四月我学期末赶着写毕业论文的时候。是时下午，我正步行到大街去买午餐。我没有惊讶，亦不难过，只有些许的遗憾--最后一次见他，听他说话，那是近一年半的事了。虽然我情绪大致平伏，但依过去经历，我知道自己常常心脑不一，主观情绪处理往往后知后觉。我以为要等到毕业后没那么忙才能真正体会阿公离开的事。
我的毕业论文献给阿公。那是我一月份阿公还在时的决定--三个礼拜草稿论文开章后，我决定要把论文献给阿婆（我爸爸的妈妈），还有阿公。 论文献词草稿一页，我写“and my grandfather”；四月尾论文正本写的是"and my late grandfather。"
至少两个月后在某天下午，我想起阿公，顿时体悟到他的不再与不在。
上个星期六Wendy's。 （生病。1MDB. 人在facebook骂马来人和印度人。Edelweiss, Alison Bechdel comics)
接到父亲短信通知阿公过世是西历四月我学期末赶着写毕业论文的时候。是时下午，我正步行到大街去买午餐。我没有惊讶，亦不难过，只有些许的遗憾--最后一次见他，听他说话，那是近一年半的事了。虽然我情绪大致平伏，但依过去经历，我知道自己常常心脑不一，主观情绪处理往往后知后觉。我以为要等到毕业后没那么忙才能真正体会阿公离开的事。
我的毕业论文献给阿公。那是我一月份阿公还在时的决定--三个礼拜草稿论文开章后，我决定要把论文献给阿婆（我爸爸的妈妈），还有阿公。 论文献词草稿一页，我写“and my grandfather”；四月尾论文正本写的是"and my late grandfather。"
至少两个月后在某天下午，我想起阿公，顿时体悟到他的不再与不在。
**
(待续）
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Translating displacement
I decided to translate a few lines drawn from a chapter by 黄琦旺, "难以置信” in 《问学札记》 ed. 许德发。
“我羡慕许多人的学习像一棵树，壮健的干，舒展的树杈，整整齐齐一系统然后开花结果。我的学习杂乱如野草，根茎紧贴泥土繁衍，几乎纯粹是野生。”
I envy how the learning of many people is like a tree -- a sturdy trunk, expanded twigs -- neatly makes one system, then blossoms and fruits. My learning is messy like weed -- their rhizomes proliferating close to soil -- almost like a natural, wild growth.
"补遗而回到真实？我感觉自己没有设定坐标习惯的身份在知识领域里完全是一个遗失：族群，家国认同，语言，属性，性别 ... ... 熟悉而陌生。”
Returning to authenticity by filling in absence? My identity, unaccustomed to coordinatization, feels like a total misplacement within the knowledge domain: ethnicity, homeland identification, language, belonging, gender ...... familiar yet strange.
--------------------------------------------
By taking on translation, I allowed myself to read slowly and intently. I felt my wholeness once again, in trying to preserve the correspondence of the original and translated texts. I was going to say that I labored to preserve the integrity of the translation. But what is lost, in translation? Maybe in the act of translation, loss is inevitable. From my misplacement to translation, my wholeness to broken crumbs of textual meaning, loss has merely been displaced.
“我羡慕许多人的学习像一棵树，壮健的干，舒展的树杈，整整齐齐一系统然后开花结果。我的学习杂乱如野草，根茎紧贴泥土繁衍，几乎纯粹是野生。”
I envy how the learning of many people is like a tree -- a sturdy trunk, expanded twigs -- neatly makes one system, then blossoms and fruits. My learning is messy like weed -- their rhizomes proliferating close to soil -- almost like a natural, wild growth.
"补遗而回到真实？我感觉自己没有设定坐标习惯的身份在知识领域里完全是一个遗失：族群，家国认同，语言，属性，性别 ... ... 熟悉而陌生。”
Returning to authenticity by filling in absence? My identity, unaccustomed to coordinatization, feels like a total misplacement within the knowledge domain: ethnicity, homeland identification, language, belonging, gender ...... familiar yet strange.
--------------------------------------------
By taking on translation, I allowed myself to read slowly and intently. I felt my wholeness once again, in trying to preserve the correspondence of the original and translated texts. I was going to say that I labored to preserve the integrity of the translation. But what is lost, in translation? Maybe in the act of translation, loss is inevitable. From my misplacement to translation, my wholeness to broken crumbs of textual meaning, loss has merely been displaced.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
The Inward (Re)Turn(s)
I had come across a saying--the exact quote I had forgotten--that went like this: Contempt is the extroversion (outward expression) of one's ineptitude.
Why do some people manage without fail to draw out my feeling of ineptitude, which I then repurpose as contempt?
Menutup aib. Like a lid over my shame. Bagai tudung menutup aib.
"Janganlah tunjuk kemaluan." 献丑。
Hmm, here we see the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is subject to probing. Shame posits a seer. Shame posits being seen. However, guilt inhabits the subject with no need of another subject's potential knowledge. Guilt is being in itself. Can one cover guilt, except to not feel it? Yet one may shame, while still feel shame.
Hmm.
Why do some people manage without fail to draw out my feeling of ineptitude, which I then repurpose as contempt?
Menutup aib. Like a lid over my shame. Bagai tudung menutup aib.
"Janganlah tunjuk kemaluan." 献丑。
Hmm, here we see the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is subject to probing. Shame posits a seer. Shame posits being seen. However, guilt inhabits the subject with no need of another subject's potential knowledge. Guilt is being in itself. Can one cover guilt, except to not feel it? Yet one may shame, while still feel shame.
Hmm.
Saturday, April 11, 2015
April 11, 2015 (Saturday)
My grandfather passed away 3 days ago.
He will never have known that I am gay.
Not that that was the most important fact for him to remember of me, or of his life.
But grandfather died. Without ever knowing, without ever having to know, that I am gay.
That was a whole world of me that he could never know from cultural assumptions, scripts, or expectations.
I, the gay grandson. Lesser by omission.
He will never have known that I am gay.
Not that that was the most important fact for him to remember of me, or of his life.
But grandfather died. Without ever knowing, without ever having to know, that I am gay.
That was a whole world of me that he could never know from cultural assumptions, scripts, or expectations.
I, the gay grandson. Lesser by omission.
Friday, March 20, 2015
有的没的
把人作以下几类：
1. 我喜欢人，人也对我好的：
既然都互相好了。就无需赘言了。
2. 我喜欢人，人对我没怎样：
还好。如果是自己欣赏的人，学习对方的优点。把握沟通机会。不能当朋友也致力与相处愉快。
3. 人对我不好。
分析对方强项，学习对方优点。制造双赢契机。What motivates that person? What kind of logic do they operate on? 要是是价值冲突，那么要怎样处理呢？其实我至今还是不会。短时间内避免冲突。尽量消除可能的沟通问题等等。要是对我恶性地不好（落井下石那种），找机会把它干掉。 避之。不得不相处的话，跟它笑笑算了然后找机会把它干掉。
4. 人对我好，可是我讨厌人/没怎样。
哎呀，你zomok这样。修养范围能及的尽量对人好，就算是表面也好。有时间的话，可以厘清讨厌人的原因。如果是价值冲突，haiz . . . 我不会处理这个。再讨厌，对自己好的人，一定要给予基本礼貌与尊重。这是名副其实的“尊敬别人就是尊敬自己。”
5. 人对我没怎样，我也对人没怎样。
很好。自由发挥。自己有没有对人“先入为主"? 我虽然内向，有没有可能主动和人“好”？
6. 人对我没怎样，我讨厌人。
看人不顺眼。做好自己本分先。力所能及再把它干掉。
7. 人讨厌我，我也讨厌人。
抱着一起干。
------------------------------------------------------------
一星期留一天任性放纵。总好讲说要工作到最后什么都没干成。
1. 我喜欢人，人也对我好的：
既然都互相好了。就无需赘言了。
2. 我喜欢人，人对我没怎样：
还好。如果是自己欣赏的人，学习对方的优点。把握沟通机会。不能当朋友也致力与相处愉快。
3. 人对我不好。
分析对方强项，学习对方优点。制造双赢契机。What motivates that person? What kind of logic do they operate on? 要是是价值冲突，那么要怎样处理呢？其实我至今还是不会。短时间内避免冲突。尽量消除可能的沟通问题等等。要是对我恶性地不好（落井下石那种），
4. 人对我好，可是我讨厌人/没怎样。
哎呀，你zomok这样。修养范围能及的尽量对人好，就算是表面也好。有时间的话，可以厘清讨厌人的原因。如果是价值冲突，haiz . . . 我不会处理这个。再讨厌，对自己好的人，一定要给予基本礼貌与尊重。这是名副其实的“尊敬别人就是尊敬自己。”
5. 人对我没怎样，我也对人没怎样。
很好。自由发挥。自己有没有对人“先入为主"? 我虽然内向，有没有可能主动和人“好”？
6. 人对我没怎样，我讨厌人。
看人不顺眼。做好自己本分先。
7. 人讨厌我，我也讨厌人。
------------------------------------------------------------
一星期留一天任性放纵。总好讲说要工作到最后什么都没干成。
Monday, March 16, 2015
我要动心忍性。
To move one's heart and kill one's nature.
To animate one's spirit and suppress their instinct.
To animate one's spirit and suppress their instinct.
Friday, March 6, 2015
My father's hair
I recalled a time during Winter break - I forgot whether of 2012 or 2013 - when I was at home. Now that I am writing, I think it was probably happened in 2013. Father, mother and I were talking about my long hair, which I grew out in the summer of 2013.
My hair was coarse, the end visibly brown from bleaching. I said I got the traits from mother. Father's hair was thinner. I brushed my palm on his head.
My father's hair was soft. It felt soft and oily, but with the right amount of oil.
http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/05/franz-kafka-letter-father/
My hair was coarse, the end visibly brown from bleaching. I said I got the traits from mother. Father's hair was thinner. I brushed my palm on his head.
My father's hair was soft. It felt soft and oily, but with the right amount of oil.
http://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/05/franz-kafka-letter-father/
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
January 9, 2015 (Friday)
I noticed a pattern, a blind-spot, in the interaction between my mother and me.
Talking to her is emotionally exhausting, so I usually wait until I feel good or happy before I call her. That's bad way of doing things.
I should call her when I feel neutral or am already in a negative mood.
Talking to her is emotionally exhausting, so I usually wait until I feel good or happy before I call her. That's bad way of doing things.
I should call her when I feel neutral or am already in a negative mood.
January 8, 2015 (Thursday)
I have been trying to register for an internship course. As an international student, I had jump the extra hurdle of getting approval from the International Students office in addition to getting an internship offer. I have been turned around by one staff in the International Students office and other departments about the registration. The International Office would tell me to first register for the course before getting their approval, while the Registration guidelines said I had to get the approval before I may register!
After a few emails, I was pissed and decided to go old-school, Malaysian style in navigating the federal and university bureaucracy. I wrote this post not to rant about the university staff, but how I chose to handle the problem.
Usually when talking to people with power, I tried to be nice --- that is until I'm not nice. I first when to see Mr L in person. I told him I had been waiting for his office's email for 3 days with a CB-face on, that might be why he was willing to talk to me for so long -- I don't know. Or it's just his job. Or he's nice. Whatever. I was just pissed and nervous about getting the clearance for my internship I don't care about other things. Even though I did not make the request to him, he offered to make the phone call right away to enquire on the course registration on my behalf, which was good. Unfortunately the officer in charge of the matter was not in the office - so I'm back to waiting.
Nevermind. From this non-event I surmise that putting on a "resolved" "CB" face can really get things done in my way, maybe? There are people like that in my group. I hate them, but I have to meet them every semester because they're in my scholarship programme. They talk all the time and roll other people over, but they make things go their way.
So yeah.
After a few emails, I was pissed and decided to go old-school, Malaysian style in navigating the federal and university bureaucracy. I wrote this post not to rant about the university staff, but how I chose to handle the problem.
Usually when talking to people with power, I tried to be nice --- that is until I'm not nice. I first when to see Mr L in person. I told him I had been waiting for his office's email for 3 days with a CB-face on, that might be why he was willing to talk to me for so long -- I don't know. Or it's just his job. Or he's nice. Whatever. I was just pissed and nervous about getting the clearance for my internship I don't care about other things. Even though I did not make the request to him, he offered to make the phone call right away to enquire on the course registration on my behalf, which was good. Unfortunately the officer in charge of the matter was not in the office - so I'm back to waiting.
Nevermind. From this non-event I surmise that putting on a "resolved" "CB" face can really get things done in my way, maybe? There are people like that in my group. I hate them, but I have to meet them every semester because they're in my scholarship programme. They talk all the time and roll other people over, but they make things go their way.
So yeah.
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