October 24, 2013 (Thursday)

The morning of last Monday before Hulliung's paper was due, I found running late for the 10 am class. Then, a voice calling my name caught up with me. It was Phillip in his car. He drove me to campus. We small-talked.

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I had a dream last night. I, wearing my elementary school self, was sobbing and yelling at my father. 

“我不知道这些作文写来做什么。同样的题材我写了两遍却重来没有经验。事情发生时才发现所有真实的情感都耗费在堆砌这些虚拟文字了。生命都被架空了！”

Then father teared up. 

Of course, 'father' was the projection of my adult self.

August 13, 2013 (Tuesday)

It's already another Tuesday.

Since Rachel's outpouring of her life stories last week, things have escalated quickly. 3 days later, because I asked her about Ray, the objectionable boyfriend's visit, she accused me of gossiping with other housemates behind her back and has been emotionally unstable. I held no begrudging against her but genuinely worried for my safety. We did not talk to each other for a few days. (Also, I yelled at her -- "GOD FFFFUCKING DAMN IT!")

This morning I got an email from her explaining her feelings and asking to "start over". Oh well, life.

I skipped work for a week. Technically I'm not required to go to the lab anymore. But.

Mark sent an email asking whether I was "ok". I did not reply. (I'm so sorry Mark.)

I went to The Whiskey with Stefan on Friday night. I got drunk and texted Philip telling him I really liked him, and that he's so "smart and witty." (and cute and hot.)

I went to The Machine alone the next evening. I got hit on by some (70-year-)old white man, an incident that is part of a larger socio-cultural phenomenon that begs for deconstruction. Some lesbians (or straight women) slapped my butt when I got out of the club. ("You look great...you look great....you look great." --- then my butt got slapped.) Anyway the bartender's name is Corey. Some guy I tried to hit on was Eric. Eric's boyfriend is in Denver. Denver is in Colorado.

The next Sunday morning I went to Church. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Indeed, by faith our ancestors received approval. By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was made from things that are not visible." Hebrews 11

Recently I'm thinking about drawing my mother.

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I had a dream again. It was those kind of dream where someone was chasing you and you just keep on running and running until you get caught or were too tired to run. Only this time I had 2 younger cousins running with me, and I had to take care of them.

We were jumping over walls, running in the alley to escape. I had no time to panic because I had to think and tell them what to do.

Then my youngest (7-year-old) cute little cousin cried and my continuity is disrupted. My boundary begins to wiggle and I woke up.

Interpretation: my Ego is starting to pay attention to the psychological child within me.

August 06, 2013 (Tuesday)

Today at work I started writing a very simple MatLab script. 

Stefan, Emmy and I went to Mulan for dinner.

 When I came back to my apartment Rachel and Kevin were in the kitchen. Rachel seemed to want to talk, so we talked. For 2 hours. We went through her high school yearbook, her sister's wedding; we talked about her mother, her marriage, her divorce, her boyfriend, her age. She showed me her tattoos.

 Just because of her age and the weight of life that comes with it, I felt challenged to offer any comment to her struggles. I tapped into my own pool of pain and shared with her what I learnt from those experience -- I asked her to have compassion for her Self.

July 30, 2013 (Tuesday)

After preparing some chemicals at work this afternoon, I walked back home and took a shower. On my way back I had a rush of inspiration to give visual form to a vague, somewhat amorphous feeling I've been dealing with for quite some time, on the scale of years. It was till recent months that I learnt and applied the language to speak of it. The result is as follows:

Earlier in the morning I described how I felt "uprooted from my cultural substratum" to Emmy.

I drew the picture to the following music.





Oh ya, toward the completion of the drawing I wept a little bit.

July 24, 2013 (Tuesday)

Even though I promised Mark that I would be able to make it to the lab at 9:30 in the morning, I did not. I called him at 10:30am and told him I had overslept.

I have started working (slowly!) on my poster.

I called Papa and Mother today. They had to cancel their travel plans because of other commitments. I might be projecting, but I assumed it was Papa's call to cancel, and Mother just had to acquiesce in his somewhat unilateral decision.

That aside, we talked about my work in the lab, my travel plans for the rest of the summer. Papa was keen to see that I travel. I suppose Mother was expressedly more keen, but potentially because of our gendered power differential I had been ignoring what she said. Their expectation was not inconsistent with my personal interest to travel, but I could be a huge procrastinator.

That aside, I told Mother first, then Papa, that I intend to come out to the extended family when I go home this coming winter. Both of them were receptive to the idea, and offered to cushion the shock of the news that I'm gay by broaching on the subject of (my!?) homosexuality before my return. In the rhetoric of the PRC, 做好思想教育准备工作。I am once again moved by their acceptance of, not just my sexuality, but me.

Papa assured me that they both had fully accepted that fact that I'm gay. He suggested that I let him break the news for me, though I told him I felt I would prefer telling "it" myself. I said no matter how old, I believe people have the capacity and should be allowed to change and grow. (Internally, I understand that I have enough love to believe and expect my family's acceptance, and hence I'm willing to take the risk of coming out for that full acceptance of me as a Person.) Papa said he was glad I had the confidence for myself.

I continued discussing the technicalities of breaking the news with Mother before ending the hour-long conversation.

July 20, 2013 (Friday)

Today Emmy and I talked about Nietzsche because I bumped into her in the SCC reading Nietzsche.

I googled "understanding European modernity" and bumped into this page and what was written scared the shit out of me and I feel so vulnerable again.

I argued with Stefan about Islam and the West yesterday while walking him to the commuter rail station. I vaguely feel that if he weren't white or European I would be more ready to agree with him on the fact that Islam is worse than Christianity, even though objectively I still disagree with that claim. I don't think it's academically honest to compare radical Islam with the modern version of secular Christianity, turning a blind eye from the European and colonial history of witch burning and religious persecution.

June 27, 2013 (Thursday)

It is important and substantial to my life history and present integrity to note that on the evening of June 25 (Tuesday) while in the laboratory, I asked Philip if he wanted to come over to my place as I had planned to make fried rice, an invitation which he declined. I am nevertheless happy.

Today's evening, Emmy strongly confronted my lack of consideration for other people, about how I attempt to withhold information to retain power. I said I regret if I hurt her feelings, and only that much I am willing to concede. I am sad that once again my apparently incapability to care had offended other people and friends, especially in this instance or relationship when I have already been conscious of my lacking of concern for her. I said lacking, which should not be construed to mean complete lack of care.

I am scared that our friendship is over.

I wrote on a piece of paper -

"I am a subject. I am a subject. I am a subject. I am a subject. I am a subject. I am a subject. I am a subject. I am a subject.

I will not apologize save for instances in which apology would repair, compensate, remedy for a person's dignity, feelings, and integrity, and only when I voluntarily, wholeheartedly agree to be at fault. Apology will only be offered to the extent of my fault."

Strange, I spent all afternoon thinking about how I hate my father and will not apologize for that vicious sentiment. The evening concludes on a similar theme, with a friend accusing me of ...... a crime which hasn't even been articulated fully! I told her through facebook -

"I find today's exchanges totally shocking. The interactions among people is frequently so subtle that language will not give a full account of the reasons behind any friction. I regret if I hurt your feelings."

June 16 2013 (Sunday)

I skipped work on Tuesday, that's why I planned on getting to the lab today, even though it was a Sunday.

I went to the lab at 1. A graduate student Cabanas was using the microscope. I was not happy because I signed up for the microscope. I raised my voice and told him to sign up for the microscope if he wanted to use it so I didn't have to travel to the lab for no reason.

 I felt happy I could raise my voice again.

 Earlier on Saturday I went to Moody Street because there was some music festival going on. An old woman played this song on an instrument I'd never seen before.


 

June 05, 2013 (Wednesday)

I did invite Prasanna over for dinner. He asked if Avinesh could come, and I said yes.

I stir-fried the chicken that was meant for Helen and Gil's dinner, and omelette with spinach, peppers and mushrooms. :)

Even though Prasanna was a year older than Avinesh, apparently they knew each other's lives pretty well. Avinesh speaks very naturally and was very conversant and sociable. Both of them seemed to follow global political news.

We shared the only can of Budlight I had in the fridge. It was nice.

There will be a party at Turner Street this coming Saturday. Maybe I might just go. Hah!

June 04 2013 (Tuesday)

I made dinner for Philip and Helen.

I had intended to make dinner for Philip and Helen.

I made
(i) spinach soup with beef meatballs

with rice.

The dinner was set at 7, but Helen had to catch the commuter rail at 7:40. How ridiculous!

Had she been able to stay, I would have made the chicken stir-fry, which tastes yummy.

Philip says the soup tastes good.

Helen says the soup is good "for an Asian men."

zzzzz.....

I know they both meant well.

I might have dinner with Prasanna tomorrow evening. Hah!

May 30 2013 (Thursday)

The lab went out to a bar at Inman Square. Marc drove me, Philip and Dan there, but came back with me, Philip and Gal.

I think I had fun. On our way back I was sitting next to Philip. His shoulder pressing on mine and I can feel the warmth radiating from his body. Philip is so cute and adorable. I like his silky hairy arms; I like his cute voice; I like the smart things he has to say even though I could deconstruct them in a second. I like his physicality; I like his personality. I like his baby fat. He looks so huggable

I don't even know Philip. I just find him attractive and appealing. I'm also worried that I might cling onto the idea of liking him because I'm afraid of not knowing that I can have feelings for people again.

In full confession I feel so messed up. I want to find someone who's equally messed up to grow with me. The likely candidate would be Stefan, the only impediment being his declared heterosexuality. I think we did grow up, only that we're fated to grow apart however. But I'll still love him.

So much sentiments emanating from my every skin pore.

May 19 2013 (Sunday, Commencement)

Today is the university's commencement day.

I stayed after finals to work as an usher.

Ainie walked and graduated. Becca, Adam, Aaron (omg he's cute), Laura, Amy, Sarah, Prasahna, Helen, Aziz, and James I suppose.

I took pictures with Becca, Adam, Ainie and Laura. I hugged Adam.

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That evening I went to Ainie's apartment. Emily came later. We talked, they talked, and gave me food.

Sarah said she likes her professors. She enjoyed going to the talks about social justice. I'm so happy to know it's not necessary to deny those interest just to sound cool.

May 13 2013 (Monday)

After a long pause from work, I finally went into the lab again today. I didn't do much other than checking my old samples and data.

Zvonimir, Mark and I finally talked about my summer project. Zvonimir said we were going to talk more into the details, but from what I gathered they were still fairly general plans.

Zvonimir asked me for the second time what I wanted to do with my life. I evaded that question. I would actually want to talk about that.

Zvonimir said, "CCC is very capable even though he think he's not and doesn't want to do Physics." That was heart-warming, but complicating.

Mark asked me after our meeting whether I understood what they said. I think I did, but out of caution I asked him "there's nothing to be deconstructed right?", to which he replied with "what does that mean?"

Indeed, I wonder what he did mean.

I bumped into Helen before I joined Connor, Arifa, Adele and David for dinner. She asked me about my life plans again, all I could muster to say is "it's really divergent at this point".

She said I should talk to James.

She also said my long hair and ponytail makes me look "too South Asian".

Also, I made conversations with everyone during dinner.

I post this song for the child within me.




I was typing in this in my own room, but my roommate was already sleeping and I don't want to take him up with my keyboard noise so I moved to the Common Room in Dorm B.

May 12 2013

It's been 2 days since my last finals. I mainly spent my time listening to some music and reading a few pages of Social Theory I borrowed from the library.


I have yet to move to my new apartment. Kyle has been really nice. I sent him an email asking him to help me set up the Electric and Gas accounts. I asked Michael to help me with the wording of the email. I learnt that instead of saying,

"hey Kyle, can we set up a date to set up the utilities account together?"

saying

"hey Kyle, can we arrange a time to set up the utilities account together?"

makes the sentence sound less "date-like", in the words of Michael.

Indeed, I have had problems inviting people to dinner at my apartment. Asking people out to dinner always have that extraneous semi-sexual connotation.

Tonight on my way back from Hannafords I decided to go to Dunkin Donuts to get a light dinner. I drew this after 3/4 cup of black coffee.

I uploaded it onto my facebook account partly to fish for attention - specifically Philip's attention. I felt so sophomoric, all my feelings for him felt sophomoric. 

Maybe I should try actual fishing. I've never gone fishing before. My father said it wastes too much time. Now I can go fishing myself, I'll decide for myself what fishing means.

I'm typing this in Stefan's room. His smell lingers on even though he's moved out since yesterday. I suggested that we hug before I left his room. It's the end of the semester, who knows if we shall drift apart. He gave me the tightest hug we've had. I wished that we both would grow, but I couldn't see how that's possible without us growing apart.