May 30 2013 (Thursday)

The lab went out to a bar at Inman Square. Marc drove me, Philip and Dan there, but came back with me, Philip and Gal.

I think I had fun. On our way back I was sitting next to Philip. His shoulder pressing on mine and I can feel the warmth radiating from his body. Philip is so cute and adorable. I like his silky hairy arms; I like his cute voice; I like the smart things he has to say even though I could deconstruct them in a second. I like his physicality; I like his personality. I like his baby fat. He looks so huggable

I don't even know Philip. I just find him attractive and appealing. I'm also worried that I might cling onto the idea of liking him because I'm afraid of not knowing that I can have feelings for people again.

In full confession I feel so messed up. I want to find someone who's equally messed up to grow with me. The likely candidate would be Stefan, the only impediment being his declared heterosexuality. I think we did grow up, only that we're fated to grow apart however. But I'll still love him.

So much sentiments emanating from my every skin pore.

May 19 2013 (Sunday, Commencement)

Today is the university's commencement day.

I stayed after finals to work as an usher.

Ainie walked and graduated. Becca, Adam, Aaron (omg he's cute), Laura, Amy, Sarah, Prasahna, Helen, Aziz, and James I suppose.

I took pictures with Becca, Adam, Ainie and Laura. I hugged Adam.

-------------------------
That evening I went to Ainie's apartment. Emily came later. We talked, they talked, and gave me food.

Sarah said she likes her professors. She enjoyed going to the talks about social justice. I'm so happy to know it's not necessary to deny those interest just to sound cool.

May 13 2013 (Monday)

After a long pause from work, I finally went into the lab again today. I didn't do much other than checking my old samples and data.

Zvonimir, Mark and I finally talked about my summer project. Zvonimir said we were going to talk more into the details, but from what I gathered they were still fairly general plans.

Zvonimir asked me for the second time what I wanted to do with my life. I evaded that question. I would actually want to talk about that.

Zvonimir said, "CCC is very capable even though he think he's not and doesn't want to do Physics." That was heart-warming, but complicating.

Mark asked me after our meeting whether I understood what they said. I think I did, but out of caution I asked him "there's nothing to be deconstructed right?", to which he replied with "what does that mean?"

Indeed, I wonder what he did mean.

I bumped into Helen before I joined Connor, Arifa, Adele and David for dinner. She asked me about my life plans again, all I could muster to say is "it's really divergent at this point".

She said I should talk to James.

She also said my long hair and ponytail makes me look "too South Asian".

Also, I made conversations with everyone during dinner.

I post this song for the child within me.




I was typing in this in my own room, but my roommate was already sleeping and I don't want to take him up with my keyboard noise so I moved to the Common Room in Dorm B.

May 12 2013

It's been 2 days since my last finals. I mainly spent my time listening to some music and reading a few pages of Social Theory I borrowed from the library.


I have yet to move to my new apartment. Kyle has been really nice. I sent him an email asking him to help me set up the Electric and Gas accounts. I asked Michael to help me with the wording of the email. I learnt that instead of saying,

"hey Kyle, can we set up a date to set up the utilities account together?"

saying

"hey Kyle, can we arrange a time to set up the utilities account together?"

makes the sentence sound less "date-like", in the words of Michael.

Indeed, I have had problems inviting people to dinner at my apartment. Asking people out to dinner always have that extraneous semi-sexual connotation.

Tonight on my way back from Hannafords I decided to go to Dunkin Donuts to get a light dinner. I drew this after 3/4 cup of black coffee.

I uploaded it onto my facebook account partly to fish for attention - specifically Philip's attention. I felt so sophomoric, all my feelings for him felt sophomoric. 

Maybe I should try actual fishing. I've never gone fishing before. My father said it wastes too much time. Now I can go fishing myself, I'll decide for myself what fishing means.

I'm typing this in Stefan's room. His smell lingers on even though he's moved out since yesterday. I suggested that we hug before I left his room. It's the end of the semester, who knows if we shall drift apart. He gave me the tightest hug we've had. I wished that we both would grow, but I couldn't see how that's possible without us growing apart.